I don’t live my days trapped In the past, I accept the fact that tomorrow is a new day and the person I was yesterday I don’t have to be today. 

I now understand that not everyone operates the way that I do. So I often feel afraid when getting to know someone or just trying to feel safe with them. When working through my PTSD, I came to the understanding that I have a hard time trusting that people will not try to intentionally harm me. Because of me fear of being intentionally harmed, I started to be careful of the people who are following me on social media, investing in my personal life, even people who I just casually associate with. Being authentically me is important and it’s something I struggle to do when I feel like people will only accept one version of me. In past experiences, people only accept the version of me that is most convenient to them. To mitigate these feelings, I can choose to communicate my concerns instead of shutting down and becoming frustrated. I can choose to disengage until I feel safe. I can change my mind about if I want someone in my life or not. Something I worked on in college is transparency being transparent and accepting transparency. It is seemingly a skill that a lot of people lack, and I am absolutely terrible at it myself. But in honor of improving: Moving forward, I want other’s to know that I do not have to receive transparency to love and support you even if I no clue what’s truly going on in your life. This is absolutely okay, I don’t need to know. I accept and love you for who you are which is not me. Further, maybe it’s not about me understanding you maybe it’s about you understanding me. So how did I come to this conclusion:

-I accepted multiple opportunities to be loved unconditionally

-I accepted the fact that I can’t make everyone happy, no one’s perfect 

-I accept the fact that my expectations of love were way too high at times. For example, I wanted a friend who checked all my boxes, and later found out once again no one is perfect. No person can be perfect 100% of the time, humans are humans. We have bad days, we have good days. We make mistakes, sometimes over and over and over again, then question why we aren’t producing the results that we want. We go through life events that alter and change who we are. Sometimes these changes were so drastic for me to the point where I would look in the mirror not knowing who I was anymore. I realized that this is all part of the experience and is not something to fight.

-Real Love is not situational or contextual, it is unconditional. Real Love is not something that has earned or fought for (unless there is a violation of trust or boundaries) and it is NEVER DANGLED OVER YOUR HEAD. Real love is not something used to make you think, act, believe, or behave in a certain way. Real love is not forced. Real love nurtures inspiration instead of fear. Real love encourages growth instead of stagnation. Real love does not allow fear, doubt, and worry to influence action, perception or decision making.

-I accepted multiple opportunities to give unconditional love. Regardless of if that individual acknowledged my attempt at giving unconditional love or not. Regardless of if that individual appreciated my unconditional love. Regardless of if that person talked shit about me etc.  

-I stopped looking at all the love everyone else had around them and started looking at the love I ALREADY have!!!!!

-I became okay with changing my mind 

– became okay with not being everyones friend

-I became okay with being the bad guy.

-I became okay with using boundaries to navigate interpersonal conflicts and relationships 

-I became okay with the fact that I am a sensitive person with BIG sensitive emotions.  I also became okay with the the fact that I am scared of feeling BIG emotions of love and affection due to past abandonment wounds, neglect, and rejection.

-I became okay with the fact that I am a complex human being with layers that not everyone deserves to know or be apart of 

-I became okay with being the only vulnerable and transparent person in an environment 

-I became okay with being the only person with a different perspective or plan for getting where I want to be or go  

-I started investing time and energy in myself, introspecting on actual vs. ideal self, or in other words who I am currently and where I wanted to be. I learned to be honest with myself and acknowledge my flaws. I made a list of concrete steps on how I was going to get there even if it was just writing frustrations out instead of “splurging” on a maladaptive action or behavior. 

-New: I learned to love others but love myself more

-Lastly, I learned about the world of karma and manifestations. I learned that what you get, is what you give out. I learned that when I focused hard on getting what I want sometimes it’s not what I need, but (all within context) if I take off the rose colored glasses what you need is right in front of you. I learned that if I start asking for help, others around me will start to feel more comfortable asking for help too. I learned the power of speaking things into existence, and the power of hard work and dedication to myself and my own dreams. My own: NOT MOM/ NOT DAD/ NOT THE BOYS/ NOT MY PARTNER/ NOT SOCIETY!! However, these people all have their own opinions as to what I should do/ how I should do it/ how to execute achieving my goals, which they are entitled to. But I CHOOSE the degree in which those opinions influence my behavior and actions.