Thank you to my mirror and fellow sunflower child, for being the first person to teach me that I was lacking self-control!
Self-control is a skill that we all need to possess. Self-control is mastering emotions, reframing self-limiting beliefs, and having discipline. I am a fixer, I enjoy fixing broken things, but around 19, I realized that I inherently try to fix the people around me. Trying to fix the people around me was the first inclination that I had no idea how to control myself, so I tried to control others. Another tendency I struggled with concerning self-control is lashing out or crying when someone yells at me! If you don’t know me personally, I am the biggest crybaby! Here are some ways that I have learned and used self-control to become a better person:
I hold myself accountable. Accountability is hard. My first go around with accountability was due to hardship change. Hardship change is when you are forced to change based on the situation. The first step that I was forced to take was apologizing. Apologizing was something that was not modeled for me; I never received an apology that was meaningful to me. Navigating how to apologize and make it meaningful was incredibly difficult. I started with a negative attitude and hot-tempered “Sorry,” I left it at that. The next phase in my progression of a sincere apology was, “I am sorry that I hurt your feelings.”
The more I hurt others’ feelings, the more chances I had to practice a sincere apology, which was a lot (ask my Mother). Eventually, and thankfully, I have progressed, my apologies now look like this: “I am sorry that I raised my voice at you. Next time I will ask for time to de-escalate so we can communicate effectively.” Sometimes if I made a serious offense, I even added, “I understand if my actions have affected our relationship and the trust between us is broken.” I think we as a society do not apologize enough for how our actions may have affected another or how our actions affect our internal self-worth. Still, it is one of the best ways to start developing a sense of self-control.
Another means of accountability is keeping my promises. I could be better, so I occasionally break promises but not intentionally. For example, I promised my girls I would make a trip back home for a sleepover. The last time I was home, they begged for a sleepover, but unfortunately, I did not have the time. I promised we would have a sleepover the next time I came home. Looking over my calendar, I struggled to find adequate time to travel home, spend time at my dad’s and mom’s houses, see my best friends, and have a sleepover with my Kora and Kylie. But I made a promise.
The second way started to master self-control is by responding instead of reacting. This is my biggest self-control struggle. One of the ways I practice responding instead of reacting is by asking for more time to process my emotions or thoughts. As a child and before I started therapy, I got frustrated and aggravated when having a challenging conversation with my parents. I did my best to control my emotions, but an hour-long emotionally charged conversation took all my executive functioning. While going to therapy, I was allowed the perspective of asking for a break. As an adult in the workplace, you can’t just ask for a break when a situation is emotionally charged. Now, I ask for more time to process to respond instead of react. When I react, I say things I don’t mean and can’t take back in the heat of the moment. I take time to process to not damage relationships or hurt others’ feelings.
The third thing I did to start to master self-control was I tried using my negative emotions to fuel productivity instead of taking them out on others or myself. My gymnastics coach has been my mentor for years, almost 15 years in total. When I struggled in high school, she told me that when she had a negative emotion, she would run. If you know me, my knee and I don’t run!! I hate running! During Covid, I wrestled with negative emotions. I missed my meme terribly, and the pain and anger from losing her was overpowering my life. So, I started lifting weights and writing when the enormous emotions began creeping in. Another way I often use my negative emotions to fuel productivity is when someone doubts me, specifically if someone says, “You can’t do that” or “You’ll never get there or be good at that.” I turn those doubts into a challenge and say, “Watch me.” On my way up the mountain, I may trip, stumble, or fall, but I won’t be down for long.
To wrap up, self-control is when you can’t control what’s happening, so you challenge yourself to challenge how you respond to what is happening because that is where your true power lies.
Affirmations:
-I respond, I do not react
-I am consistent and reliable
-I do what needs to be done, even when I don’t feel like it
Misbehavin' 