My current struggle is one that I have shied away from talking about, hence the title of today’s post. I do not like to be uncomfortable. I recognize that my uneasiness influences some of the most insignificant aspects of my life. Additionally, realize that this theme has been creeping under the surface for an extended period. I will examine this struggle from the standpoint of the past, the present, and the future.
When taking a trip down memory lane, I pointed out key memories that point to the present theme of being uncomfortable with being uncomfortable. My first memory was when I came home from a trip to grandma’s with a massive hole in the back of my shirt. You may be thinking, “What does that have to do with being uncomfortable?” I am getting there. The tag on the back of my shirt was so uncomfortable that I made my grandma cut it out, to the point where I did not care if the shirt was ruined. I simply just wanted to be comfortable. The second most prominent precursor that I would struggle with being uncomfortable in the future is how I operated before my diagnosis of endometriosis. I was so irritated because I could never predict what was happening with my body or when it would happen. I was uncomfortable because I could never control what was happening with my body. Because I sparred with having no control over my comfort level, I needed to control everything I could to become comfortable. Which leads me to the analysis of the present.
In the present moment, I hold onto relationships, internal beliefs, and behaviorism that no longer serve a healthy goal. For example, I may hold onto an emotionally unavailable relationship. Once again, the mind of logic says, “Well, if they (relationships, internal beliefs, and behaviorisms) are not actively helping you and are actively hurting you…Why would you keep them?” The mind of emotions says, “You need them to survive. When you are uncomfortable, it thwarts your sense of security.” As stated, in the earlier years of my life, I tried to control everything I could to achieve comfort. In that earlier time, this coping mechanism worked because, logically, the younger you are, the smaller your problems are. Not more minor, as in less critical or less emotionally distressing. Children’s issues are not as complex and intricate or have as many moving parts as adults’ problems. That said, I still find myself trying to operate in the old schema and expecting the same optimal results I achieved as a child. Newsflash: it does not work.
Last but certainly not least the future. The future provides me hope that this pattern will change if I am determined to change. Living without this limiting pattern would lead to a more fulfilling life in the future. Ultimately to release expectations and the need to control the outcome of romantic relationships. I also plan to continually adapt to uncomfortable circumstances instead of trying to avoid them as much as possible. In the future, I will take risks while still acknowledging the fear. From here on, I will ask myself if the feeling of being uncomfortable is genuinely in my realm of capabilities to control. I will even take it a step further and ask myself if being uncomfortable in this situation is an opportunity to grow. If I remain in my comfort zone, I fear I will miss out on filling my cup 100%. I don’t know how I will make this change. I am still determining what it looks like to successfully achieve this goal. But I do know I will not give up.
My Dad always told me when you get too comfortable, you always risk the chance of remaining stagnant. In my current moment of introspection, I find myself between a rock and a hard place. I am scared of being uncomfortable, but I am also frightened of limiting my growth. Only time will tell which path I take.
Misbehavin' 