When I was younger, my bothers had a toy like this. When beginning to learn their shapes, they would try to put the square in the hole for the circle, or the triangle in the hole for the square. This toy brings back a lot of memories, and I find very symbolic of my past year as a full time employee. I really wanted a job after my program, to the point where I was going to accept a position that was not meant/made for me. The position made me feel frustrated, re-traumatized, not good enough, and not strong enough. No matter how many times I would try to fit the circle block (my job) into the square hole (my life) I ended up distraught. The reality of the situation is that it had nothing to do with my strength, it had nothing to do with my worth, it had nothing to do with me being traumatized. But, it had everything to do with me forcing myself to stay/live/exist in a environment/place/situation that did not fit me. No matter how much my coworkers loved, appreciated, or valued me the job (responsibilities/tasks) was not meant for me. The job created a situation where I  forced myself to act in ways that don’t align with my passions. The job created a force where I was expected to think and act in very black & white/wrong and right ways, whereas I find a lot of comfort in the variability of the grey area. My creativity was not valued and was stifled. I was unable to create processes that were beneficial for not only myself but others around me, and that is something I realized that I heavily value in a job. The affordance and allowance of creativity in hopes of having a positive impact is more important to me than anything else. The job required me to sacrifice time that I needed/wanted to spend healing myself or giving to those who I love. I was required to accept a lot of things as is, which  is something I struggle to do, especially if I see a more efficient way of streamlining the process/procedure. Going back to my previous symbolism about the block puzzle, if a “thing,” whether it be a relationship, a job, a mindset, is not fitting into my life I am consciously choosing not to spend more time and energy trying to get it to fit. From this experience, I now know that if that if it doesn’t fit it means there is something that is more tailored towards me is just around the corner. I also now know that I am one controlling person with high expectations. This job taught me how relinquishing control and trusting in God/Universe brings me more freedom and  at the same more control over my own emotions. It taught me that my expectations are a futile attempt to control what I can’t. It taught me lessons about divine timing and the essence of God giving me what I need instead of what I want. The less I expected from the job, the more I got what I wanted. When I  don’t expect anything, everything good that happens is just the icing on the cake and the negative events don’t disrupt my inner peace as much. The last lesson I learned is that In this situation and in past situation I coped by repressing or ignoring the negative feelings as an attempt to make the relationship/job/situation fit me. I now acknowledge the feeling and try to get to the root of the discomfort instead of pushing it away. Regardless, the overarching theme is “you expect everything, you gain nothing. But if you expect nothing, you gain everything.” 

Affirmations:

– I am not responsible for how others respond to my boundaries. If my relationships end because I have set boundaries, then it is a sign that the foundation of the relationship was not solid.

-In healthy relationships, I can set boundaries without fear of being retaliated against, being cutoff, or being manipulated.